Depressed:~{

Why is it that at the most joyful time of the year is when I'm depressed? Oh yeah, because it's a reminder of what might could have been...Lee's birthday marks the first day of spring...which is my most favorite season of the year...a renewal of life and new beginnings. But I have been down and fighting hard not to be... It's going on three years now com'on give me a break please!!!

The day of his birthday I was in N'awleans auditioning for the Biggest Loser (still haven't heard anything back, but they were looking for pairs and I was alone). I was fine you hear me just fine and dandy...then Sunday came and while in the choir-loft no-less we sang a song that talked about the church as the bride to Christ and how He loves her and she Him. Then we sang "I know Who holds my hand" and that's when I lost it...balling like a big baby over a guy who cares not at all...or at the very least over wanting so badly to be a wife and mother but feeling I complained too much when I had the chance both times. *tear*

My mind likes to play tricks on me...I fantasize about being married to Lee, a guy I'm attracted to at church and also a guy I met briefly on the plane from TX (not at the same time mind you that's just wrong and I have been very careful not to go to the sexual aspect{prayer here is appreciated for I'm only human}...today I saw this ongoing game my mind plays just that way...like the shell game and the "winning" one??? is the one whom God has made just for me.

I'm trying really hard, Lord, to be patient and wait for You...Your timing...which means everything. But I need Your guidance AND protection...Lord, I can't do this by myself and frankly I don't want to any more.....As always it's in Jesus name I pray-amen!