Day 6 of 150

1-24-10

Psalm 6

1 O LORD, do not rebuke me in Your anger,
Nor chasten me in Your wrath.
2 Be gracious to me, O LORD, for I am pining away;
Heal me, O LORD, for my bones are dismayed.
3 And my soul is greatly dismayed;
But You, O LORD--how long?
4 Return, O LORD, rescue my soul;
Save me because of Your lovingkindness.
5For there is no mention of You in death;
In Sheol who will give You thanks?
6 I am weary with my sighing;
Every night I make my bed swim,
I dissolve my couch with my tears.
7 My eye has wasted away with grief;
It has become old because of all my adversaries.
8 Depart from me, all you who do iniquity,
For the LORD has heard the voice of my weeping.
9 The LORD has heard my supplication,
The LORD receives my prayer.
10 All my enemies will be ashamed and greatly dismayed;
They shall turn back, they will suddenly be ashamed.

The day before I left for TX my boss told me that I might find "him" while I was gone, but that I would have to come back, under no cercumstances were I not allowed to no return. I dismissed her comment after we had our light hearted laughs.

I honestly didn't think of it again until sitting next to Mr. helicopter pilot from OR...and only after he said he would be coming to Wiggins. Then I instantly remembered what Mrs. Edith had said. I can't stop thinking about him (nothing sexual thank You, Lord). I don't know if he is even married, and I haven't ran into him anywhere. Yet my heart still wonders, although it could be just lonely. It's been almost two years since Lee, and not that there hasn't been any offers, but there just has been anyone I felt God introducing me to...but my heart does desire companionship. He created us(as women) to be help-mates we can't deny we all want that.

So all of 6 speaks like from my own heart. I don't want to sin (1) in any way against God my Lord, my Savior, my Creator, but yet I'm pinning away (2) I feel like...'how long (3)?' my soul cries for a mate (4) 'Return' makes me think of Lee then I feel guilty. Then with verse 5 I know I'm saved, but still rarely but still from time to time I fear dying that 2nd death (Rev 20:14). Crazy, I know that I know that I know better.

Then 6: I am weary...often...more times than not...cry myself to sleep, And...and! at the present my bed is a couch...of all things God could have wrote or I could have read...continuing on to 7: I can't see well, I feel so much older than I should from all the grief (I've had a not easy life) *: I do want it all to just go away.

9 is a comforting reminder

10 I don't want to want this

I want to cry for mercy. And part of me does but there is a part that also wants to be vindicated justly.

I just relized this Ps is just as diverses and scattered as my thoughts righht now.

Well it is past 11 o'clock the night after returning from TX and we did have church all day...I'm really tired, but I'm a soul kinda weary too. Maybe it's just Satan?